Postnatal Bonks
Unusual things happen in the school holidays. Like sex. Tell me it’s different for you, but intimate relations with your Other Half during term time is for me like running the London Marathon, then someone asking you at the finishing line to pop over for a bounce on their trampoline.
NO WAY
But a couple of lie-ins and I’m up for some horizontal nocturnal aerobics – as long as :
a) There hasn’t been an argument
b) The kids are out for the count
c) No one’s got tummy ache from the takeaway
d) A friend or relation in crisis hasn’t turned up on the doorstep
e) We haven’t fallen asleep in front of the TV
f) No one’s bladdered
g) There isn’t a fascinating Twitter conversation going on
h) The Blog Post is finished
That doesn’t leave very many nights, but here’s a chart that shows how children’s ages impact on the amount of sex their parents tend to have.
The above might have to be downwardly adjusted, if in the weeks and months leading up to and after the birth, the stress of morning sickness/ other pregnancy related issues / house move / builders / financial concerns / nausea from fresh paint in nursery / arguments over baby names or Godparents / visiting relations and PND (Pre as well as Post-Natal Depression), combine to extinguish any flame of passion that might still be flickering dimly.
However, the good news is there’s a slight upward blip around the age when the children are old enough to sleep through, and young enough, even if they did happen to wander into your room, to buy your story that you’re both just re-enacting Christmas Eve with Santa Claus and Rudolf leaping with abandon through the night sky.
The reason the graph tails off at the end is that by the time the children no longer disturb you in the early hours, you and your partner are either too old, distressed or divorced.
If you’ve had twins, triplets and/or have older children, the graph looks more like this:
A bit like the Metropolitan Line but not nearly as interesting, as this is home to Moorgate Station near Britmums Live! So see you there I hope, and if you’re sleeping over, that’ll be yet another shagless night then.
