Postnatal Bonks

Postnatal Bonks

 Unusual things happen in the school holidays. Like sex.   Tell me it’s different for you, but intimate relations with your Other Half during term time is for me like running the London Marathon, then someone asking you at the finishing line to pop over for a bounce on their trampoline.


But a couple of lie-ins and I’m up for some horizontal nocturnal aerobics – as long as :

a) There hasn’t been an argument

b) The kids are out for the count

c) No one’s got tummy ache from the takeaway

d) A friend or relation in crisis hasn’t turned up on the doorstep

e) We haven’t fallen asleep in front of the TV

f)  No one’s bladdered

g) There isn’t a fascinating Twitter conversation going on

h) The Blog Post is finished

That doesn’t leave very many nights, but here’s a chart that shows how children’s ages impact on the amount of sex their parents tend to have.

 Postnatal Bonks

  The above might have to be downwardly adjusted, if in the weeks and months leading up to and after the birth, the stress of morning sickness/ other pregnancy related issues / house move / builders / financial concerns / nausea from fresh paint in nursery / arguments over baby names or Godparents / visiting relations and PND (Pre as well as Post-Natal Depression), combine to extinguish any flame of passion that might still be flickering dimly.

However, the good news is there’s a slight upward blip around the age when the children are old enough to sleep through, and young enough, even if they did happen to wander into your room, to buy your story that you’re both just re-enacting Christmas Eve with Santa Claus and Rudolf leaping with abandon through the night sky.

The reason the graph tails off at the end is that by the time the children no longer disturb you in the early hours, you and your partner are either too old, distressed or divorced.

If you’ve had twins, triplets and/or have older children, the graph looks more like this:

 Postnatal Bonks

A bit like the Metropolitan Line but not nearly as interesting, as this is home to Moorgate Station near Britmums Live! So see you there I hope, and if you’re sleeping over, that’ll be yet another shagless night then.

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  1. Looking at the third picture, I’ve come to the conclusion there are either three people in that bed or the gentlemen is doing something we shall not mention.

    1. Think you could be right. I read somewhere that in the year before babies come along, we have more sex than in all the subsequent years put together! Think it applies to marriage too …

    1. I was thinking of you (and others with twins of course!). Have just heard about someone who has a bolt on the outside of children’s bedroom door and uses it at night. I was horrified – fire risk/nightmares/toilet etc etc. and then realised that it would only be for about 5 mins :):) X

    1. I’m glad, Anne. With young families, there’s only so much energy to go around and this must be one of the first activities to take a hit. Maybe others manage to ‘have it all’ but I’ve yet to meet them x

  2. Lets hear it for the Joy of Blogging! Or does a bit of multi-tasking put the smile on Mum’s face in the final cartoon?

    1. HaHa ‘The Joy of Blogging’ – love it! I remember finding my parent’s ‘The Joy of Sex’ by Dr Alex Comfort on the top shelf as a child. The original book had rather lovely illustrations of a very 70’s beardy couple (his and hers).

      Oh is the Mum in the final cartoon smiling? So she is. My pen must have slipped when drawing her mouth.

    1. Thanks Katie, yeah that’s me – Mrs Casanova or whoever is the modern equivalent. Actually I made up that number for dramatic effect (oh bum, blown my cover, never got higher than 28 BC)

    1. What !! Even in France? I thought everything took second place to ‘L’Amour’ (apart from cooking that is) 😉

    1. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel! (Thought we’ll probably be too exhausted by then). Good to hear from you, Izzie x

    1. There are so many of us like this, it’s a bloomin’ miracle kids come into this world at all! Thanks for your vote of confidence, Emily x

  3. This really made me laugh out loud its so true! Currently in bed with a poorly baby sleeping on me no chance for the hubby anytime soon xx

    1. Pleased you like it. Yours and others’ comments are a comfort to me and OH who don’t feel so alone anymore! xx ps hope baby feeling better v. soon

    1. Boy, this really was written for you then! Though sounds like it’s all under control and you have the run of the house in the day during term time. What would we do without school eh! 🙂

  4. Oh nooooooooo! We were at the 3-4 stage…and i thought we were doing quite well…Joni came along and we had a lull (Hang on, is this TMI?! oh well…) and now things are picking up again but what’s this?! No more sex after 7?! This IS depressing news! #nottellinghusband 😉 Great Post Jo!

    1. Well I’m seriously impressed. I’ve thought of joining a marathon about half a mile from the finish, but wouldn’t want to take emergency services away from those in genuine need. Anyway, very nice to hear from you and lovely to have someone here from across the pond – makes me pine a bit for NYC. Really like your blog too x

    1. ‘Constant’!! Oi! Must leave time for tea and cake too when they finally leave home!;) (please excuse all the exclamation marks!)

  5. I’ve done the marathon. And then came no. 2. Apparently a lot are conceived in this way (blame the return to alcohol). But 30 times before kids. Really? What did you do for the other night (assuming it was a 31 day month)? Hilarious post.

  6. When your kids can legally have sex themselves, you’re too old and haggard to do it any more. And that includes my husband too! But why is that when you mention having sex your kids gag – and at what age do you get to be ‘past it’ to have sex any more? I’m sure my parents still do it – occasionally.

    1. Now there’s a whole article for the New Scientist. I think for my parents, given they’re just had stairlift installed, my Dad would need a hoist. Actually let’s not go there … I now understand how our children feel !

    1. Ha ha! You’re so right Alice. They should put ‘How to open a Word Press Blog account’ posters in the NHS Family Planning Clinics.

  7. This really made me chuckle. Especially the “and no yummy ache after a takraway”. The number of times one of us has said “I probably shouldn’t have eaten that!”

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