Postnatal Bonks

Postnatal Bonks

Postnatal Bonks

 Unusual things happen in the school holidays. Like sex.   Tell me it’s different for you, but intimate relations with your Other Half during term time is for me like running the London Marathon, then someone asking you at the finishing line to pop over for a bounce on their trampoline.

NO WAY

But a couple of lie-ins and I’m up for some horizontal nocturnal aerobics – as long as :

a) There hasn’t been an argument

b) The kids are out for the count

c) No one’s got tummy ache from the takeaway

d) A friend or relation in crisis hasn’t turned up on the doorstep

e) We haven’t fallen asleep in front of the TV

f)  No one’s bladdered

g) There isn’t a fascinating Twitter conversation going on

h) The Blog Post is finished

That doesn’t leave very many nights, but here’s a chart that shows how children’s ages impact on the amount of sex their parents tend to have.

 Postnatal Bonks

  The above might have to be downwardly adjusted, if in the weeks and months leading up to and after the birth, the stress of morning sickness/ other pregnancy related issues / house move / builders / financial concerns / nausea from fresh paint in nursery / arguments over baby names or Godparents / visiting relations and PND (Pre as well as Post-Natal Depression), combine to extinguish any flame of passion that might still be flickering dimly.

However, the good news is there’s a slight upward blip around the age when the children are old enough to sleep through, and young enough, even if they did happen to wander into your room, to buy your story that you’re both just re-enacting Christmas Eve with Santa Claus and Rudolf leaping with abandon through the night sky.

The reason the graph tails off at the end is that by the time the children no longer disturb you in the early hours, you and your partner are either too old, distressed or divorced.

If you’ve had twins, triplets and/or have older children, the graph looks more like this:

 Postnatal Bonks

A bit like the Metropolitan Line but not nearly as interesting, as this is home to Moorgate Station near Britmums Live! So see you there I hope, and if you’re sleeping over, that’ll be yet another shagless night then.

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Rachel - 3yearsandhome - April 21, 2014

So, so funny (and true).

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    Jo - April 21, 2014

    Thanks Rachel – I thought everyone would laugh at me, so am glad to get your support! x

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John Adams - April 22, 2014

Looking at the third picture, I’ve come to the conclusion there are either three people in that bed or the gentlemen is doing something we shall not mention.

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Josanne - April 22, 2014

Ah this must be so true for everyone… 🙂

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    Think you could be right. I read somewhere that in the year before babies come along, we have more sex than in all the subsequent years put together! Think it applies to marriage too …

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Emma Crazywithtwins - April 22, 2014

The twin line looks more like mine. As soon as the twins can get out of bed by themselves, I’m sure that will be the end of it!

Hilarious post, love it. X

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    I was thinking of you (and others with twins of course!). Have just heard about someone who has a bolt on the outside of children’s bedroom door and uses it at night. I was horrified – fire risk/nightmares/toilet etc etc. and then realised that it would only be for about 5 mins :):) X

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Anne - April 22, 2014

Thank you for this, it makes me feel normal!

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    I’m glad, Anne. With young families, there’s only so much energy to go around and this must be one of the first activities to take a hit. Maybe others manage to ‘have it all’ but I’ve yet to meet them x

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David H - April 22, 2014

Lets hear it for the Joy of Blogging! Or does a bit of multi-tasking put the smile on Mum’s face in the final cartoon?

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    HaHa ‘The Joy of Blogging’ – love it! I remember finding my parent’s ‘The Joy of Sex’ by Dr Alex Comfort on the top shelf as a child. The original book had rather lovely illustrations of a very 70’s beardy couple (his and hers).

    Oh is the Mum in the final cartoon smiling? So she is. My pen must have slipped when drawing her mouth.

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katie - April 22, 2014

ha ha ha ha this is brilliant Jo!
Although 30+ BC?! wow

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    Thanks Katie, yeah that’s me – Mrs Casanova or whoever is the modern equivalent. Actually I made up that number for dramatic effect (oh bum, blown my cover, never got higher than 28 BC)

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Anneli Faiers - April 22, 2014

You crack me up! Funny, but true 🙂

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    What !! Even in France? I thought everything took second place to ‘L’Amour’ (apart from cooking that is) 😉

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Izzie Anderton - April 22, 2014

Funny, but true! As the mother of twins I can definitely agree with the second chart. Fortunately, my darling daughters are now at uni and life is getting better!

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    So there’s light at the end of the tunnel! (Thought we’ll probably be too exhausted by then). Good to hear from you, Izzie x

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Emily G - April 22, 2014

Hahaha! So true. X

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    There are so many of us like this, it’s a bloomin’ miracle kids come into this world at all! Thanks for your vote of confidence, Emily x

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Mummy to boyz - April 22, 2014

Ha ha – brilliant!

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Ruth - April 22, 2014

This really made me laugh out loud its so true! Currently in bed with a poorly baby sleeping on me no chance for the hubby anytime soon xx

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    Jo - April 22, 2014

    Pleased you like it. Yours and others’ comments are a comfort to me and OH who don’t feel so alone anymore! xx ps hope baby feeling better v. soon

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Coombemill - Fiona - April 22, 2014

This makes me smile, really no hope forus with 6 kids and 3 of them triplets! On the plus side we both work from home and the kids are all school age now 🙂

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    Jo - April 23, 2014

    Boy, this really was written for you then! Though sounds like it’s all under control and you have the run of the house in the day during term time. What would we do without school eh! 🙂

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Veronica - April 23, 2014

Brilliant, hilarious and true.

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    Jo - April 23, 2014

    Thanks Veronica. High praise from a very funny lady. Just read your hilarious blog and have subscribed.

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Jess Helicopter - April 23, 2014

Oh nooooooooo! We were at the 3-4 stage…and i thought we were doing quite well…Joni came along and we had a lull (Hang on, is this TMI?! oh well…) and now things are picking up again but what’s this?! No more sex after 7?! This IS depressing news! #nottellinghusband 😉 Great Post Jo!

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    Jo - April 23, 2014

    It’s a rough guide only, and you’ll probably be fine as you’re so young 😉 Thanks for popping by …

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Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - April 24, 2014

Seriously laughing so hard right now. No bonks, please, I’ve just run the marathon.

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    Jo - April 24, 2014

    Well I’m seriously impressed. I’ve thought of joining a marathon about half a mile from the finish, but wouldn’t want to take emergency services away from those in genuine need. Anyway, very nice to hear from you and lovely to have someone here from across the pond – makes me pine a bit for NYC. Really like your blog too x

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Honest Mum - April 29, 2014

Brilliant and so true, those pesky kids definitely get in the way of a life of constant bonking!

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    Jo - April 29, 2014

    ‘Constant’!! Oi! Must leave time for tea and cake too when they finally leave home!;) (please excuse all the exclamation marks!)

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Amy Ransom - May 1, 2014

I’ve done the marathon. And then came no. 2. Apparently a lot are conceived in this way (blame the return to alcohol). But 30 times before kids. Really? What did you do for the other night (assuming it was a 31 day month)? Hilarious post.

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Alice Elliott - May 7, 2014

When your kids can legally have sex themselves, you’re too old and haggard to do it any more. And that includes my husband too! But why is that when you mention having sex your kids gag – and at what age do you get to be ‘past it’ to have sex any more? I’m sure my parents still do it – occasionally.

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    Jo - May 8, 2014

    Now there’s a whole article for the New Scientist. I think for my parents, given they’re just had stairlift installed, my Dad would need a hoist. Actually let’s not go there … I now understand how our children feel !

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Alice Elliott - May 7, 2014

Oh, and 21st century contraception is definitely writing a blog!

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Jo - May 14, 2014

:))

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Genna Millar - May 23, 2016

I need to show this to the husband – maybe he won’t feel so bad! Ha ha! Very good!

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    Jo Sandelson - May 23, 2016

    Excellent! That’s why I blog 🙂 Thanks Genna x

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Mark Richards - June 19, 2016

Sorry, too knackered to reply. Eldest two at uni and youngest working…

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    Jo Sandelson - June 20, 2016

    Congratulations! You’re the first parent blogger ever to emerge from the wilderness years …

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Notmyyearoff - August 7, 2016

This really made me chuckle. Especially the “and no yummy ache after a takraway”. The number of times one of us has said “I probably shouldn’t have eaten that!”

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    Jo Sandelson - October 20, 2016

    They should make specially prepared postnatal bonking food. Not quite sure what that would be though!

    Reply
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